I'm trying not to wonder where you are

done.

2004-09-22T04:13:30Z

i leave you (for real) with my favorite poem ever by Walt Whitman.<3

When I heard the learn'd astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts, the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the learned astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars

3_parts_heart @ 2004-06-18T23:48:00

2004-06-19T04:26:25Z

okay listen.

tonite i was in town in the bookstore talking to a few good friends. it was amazing because somehow a bunch of people i know from all different places suddenly came together and talked and had an amazing conversation. i met these people i never knew before and opened all of these doors i didn't realize i could. it was great.

but i have to say the best moment was when i realized how correct in my final judgement i have been. that kid destroys people, particularly girls. it took a close guy friend to tell me that. totally out of the context of how i know the girl destroyer. lets just say he compared said male to a body eating disease, and how comparitively to all of the good, decent people of the world, he is unneccessary and not worth anybody's time. certainly not mine. intentions to use people out of sheer selfishness are just plain cruel. and so, i end any redeming qualities i may have seen in said male. it makes me feel good.

for once, i control the dial tone on the end of your reciever. amazing.

and i'm going to a party tomorrow night. well maybe. we'll see.

yay for summer.

oh and i hate lj. so i'm just gonna spy from now on and stick to the xang. only the cool kids know where that is.

those people were overjoyed, they took to their boats.

2004-05-31T18:22:15Z

i'm becoming more and more introverted. i think it's the difference between school and home. between living with people, and having to "do" something with people. i'm just sick of doing the same old thing over and over again. i feel like i could use my time to be more productive. last night marked the beginning of that. with a friend. because she just hung out with me in my room while i drew and painted. and that made me feel the best i have in weeks. just having someone around to hang out with. no pressure.

and the rain today is beautiful and i'm happy to be home, making a book, including my obsession with city skylines and trees...(?) who am i, melissa? haha. i'm listening to death cab and feel amazingly alone, and at the same time, amazingly content. i guess my hyperactive sense of needing to be with people is calming down. that's what age does to you i guess. much to my surprise though, i do have plans for tonite. frenchtown ahoy. i feel like it's just what i need. a long drive and some maturity and sincerity. being blown off by friends has led me to find new ones. i like looking for something new. <3

the heart is a lonely hunter....

2004-05-29T03:25:35Z

it never ceases to amaze me how some people just don't have any heart.
tonight shouldn't have left me feeling this way.
it's just like one thing after another. and i guess i don't feel like i'm getting what i deserve out of a lot of relationships.
it's not that hard to not hurt my feelings. it just takes some common sense.
and it doesn't hurt to have good phone manners either. just a suggestion.
tonight sucks. i hope tomorrow doesn't.

dave weeks enjoys my company, so i'll fill it out too

2004-05-21T03:04:04Z

10 people I enjoy the company of:
1. kimberly rhonda
2. tony
3. josh
4. melis
5. davey weeks
6. liz t
7. my dad
8. collin
9. adrienne
10. colleen

9 things that are important to you:
1. my cat
2. making art that makes me happy
3. being able to get from point a to point b
4. being productive
5. being able to make people happy, or atleast amuse them for a moment
6. music
7. time with my dad and our talks
8. getting out of work on time and having plans afterwards
9. love, even if it's acknowledged rarely

8 Things I'm Wearing:
1. black shirt
2. heart watch
3. rubber bands on my wrist
4. jeans
5. awesome pearl necklace with black ribbon
6. a brown belt
7. black underthings
8. newly dark brown hair

7 things on my mind:
1. will i really hang out with josh tomorrow?
2. are kim and i going to the huntingtons show tomorrow nite or not?
3. i need money to afford EVERYTHING
4. must get check cashed tomorrow
5.must buy std tickets tomorrow
6. i want to go to nj this weekend
7. man wilco makes me happy, and i love

6 items I touch everyday:
1. my car
2. hair
3. cell phone
4. ben (yes he is an item)
5. bag
6. my alarm clock

5 things I do every day:
1. shower
2. eat pops
3. call kimberly
4. listen to music
5. drive

4 things I want to do before I die:
1. gain some respect
2. live somewhere that makes me happy
3. quit cvs. haha....
4. marry chris conley

3 things I think of when I wake up:
1. gotta go eat pops
2. ugh, shower.
3. so what now?

2 foods you love:
1. pops. (is this creepy how many times i mention them)
2. perogies?

1 person I love more than any other:
1. my dad.

are you in, or are you out?

2004-05-17T21:05:26Z

worked today, the kim and the collin came to visit me. saw my elementary school principal..weirdness. i love cvs...not really but it's not too bad. i'm only working like...10-4 most days...sweet.

so i'm freaking out because saves the day and boys night out are playing together and that's TOTALLY AMAZINGGGG! last night i couldn't even sleep because i kept thinking about how amazing it's going to be. i'm so so pathetic.

collin sprayed axe on me today at work and i can still smell it from my shirt across the room. creepy.

i've realized i have nothing worthwhile to say here anymore, so i'm done
oh and dave weeks, you're a loser!

only like 3 DAYS until josh is expected in the area...i cannot wait!!!!!!
finally my little family will be back together! haha... <3 <3 <3 kati

3_parts_heart @ 2004-05-15T13:12:00

2004-05-15T17:13:51Z

i've reached the point where sitting and just shaking my head in dissaproval is commonplace, and somehow the only other person that understands this rationality is kim. are we like...insane or what? i definitely think everyone else is.

it's times like these when i remember who's been there all along, and who shouldn't be here at all.
so throwing my hands up and forgetting about it all isn't so hard anymore.
i can't wait to see where it all falls.
i can't wait to go to maryland...i need my other other half. i bet she's shaking her head at me. haha...

it's beautiful out. i'm out. <3

and you crossed the line between here and out of this world- you blow my mind....

2004-05-13T22:19:33Z

i can't HANDLE being thrown around emotionally by people.
if you're gonna call, mean it. all i ask is that you be genuine in your intentions
is that too much to ask?
i suppose it is.

i think overall being home is throwing me around. i need joshy to be here and ground me.
i need stability and commitment? i need to go out now.

"i'm tired of being bored, i'm through with the headaches....good fucking bye" ((matt skiba))

anyway, kim and i were talking about how being out of our relationships has made us such better people. i really think it has made us stronger and smarter about things. at the same time, i see myself crumbling at any bit of hope. too bad i don't really have any. whatever. all i need is kim to "synth it up" with me and we'll be okay.

and don't forget to call me and mean it, okay? yes. <3

some things should stay safely stashed away...

2004-05-11T15:53:09Z

so home. for good. for the summer atleast. said my goodbyes yesterday and last night...and even before that if you count the hardest one. but i guess i'm okay with that. i figure this month i'll be fine...i have amusements around here. i have to clean my room like crazy. haha...i have things to do. i have adjustments to make. i get to wait for joshy to come home. kim's birthday is soon approaching. but i don't know how long this will last. it's like i'm waiting for summer to come when it's already here if that makes any sense. i have to start working before i can really "do" anything, i.e. buy tickets to shows i wanna see,(did you know fallout boy is coming? and i'm such a loser?!), and go out to the diner as often as possible. and i don't think they're going to give me as many hours as i want...which is bad. it'll all work out i suppose. i guess i'm just waiting for something unexpected to happen...in a sense for something to just work out that surprises even me.

i think i'm gonna dye my hair brown.
<3 kati

leave me paralyzed, love.

2004-05-03T14:01:01Z

this morning i woke up and checked my email and i got the most unexpected email ever from an old friend, as we shall call him. for some reason, that makes everything in my life seem more resolved, or better yet, it makes me think much more of people in general- there's some decency out there...and that makes me really happy.

last night i was beading on the floor in melissa's room, trying to make necklaces/bracelets for those that a)wanted them and/or b)i thought deserved them. i made some pretty sweet ones. i was thinking about how cool it was that i was in a room full of people i didn't know months ago, and now they're pretty much my everything. it's funny how you think you'll be dropped into a situation of disaster, when in reality it's the best thing for you. i guess that's what college has taught me about change.

i feel oddly under control for finals. i have everything done except mark shetabi ink thing and studying for art history and ih. i have a whole week ahead of me. i'm good to go. laura's coming thursday and friday, and we're going to see the souls. i wanna go see bob nanna at the church on sunday...so we will see.

<3 kati

i think i'm going insane.

2004-04-29T01:49:53Z

i think i am suffering from an anxiety attack right this moment.
i have to learn to calm down.
i just have to breathe? why am i so INSANE that i get this stressed out over school. there's so much more than this that i could be stressed out about. like...what if i were president? haha..i'd definately have to be hospitalized...

i don't think i make any sense anymore.
<3 kati

i should read more

2004-04-25T19:39:22Z

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

"gotcha fuckers!!!!"....best quote ever a la my dear m.mcf.

2004-04-23T19:26:41Z

TYLERFEST TONITE
i'm in the best mood
and ready for whatever may happen...i can take it.
kim's coming. i love having a posse if i need one...haha...and secret cell phone informants....

and right now i'm oddly happy listening to 'toxic.' it's not even odd. i'm way happy.
the enddddddddddddddddd <3

this is the last of my letters until i see you again

2004-04-21T14:43:19Z

last night i was talking to colleen about how we should be existing in the context of what our age is. which prompted me to further think about getting out of here. i want to go to new york so badly. before i start my 'real life' i want to live in new york so badly. or maybe get that flat in england with joshy. i feel like i need to be somewhere not so safe..not such an easy carride away. i don't know...i guess i'm just going through a lot of anxiety with stuff, especially around here because there is so much tension. i hate hate hate tension in my life. i could feel it last night when i was trying to fall asleep...it was like i couldn't let my body relax. it was just all tied up in a ball of stress. i just need summer...but i know that won't even relieve these feelings.

i don't want to leave tyler and my friends and my room and my freedom behind. i don't want to be the only one up at 2AM. But i want to be done with school so badly. I just have to get past Mark Shetabi, Helen Bayley, Puchek, and Benge. I'm not concerned with Jennie because as far as I'm concerned I'm done. But we don't even know our final project for Mark, and my drawing for Helen is going to take a while. And i hope i don't fail art history. I just need to know how it all ends up. Now i can't see an ending. Kim and I had a pretty good talk about summer the other night, and it feels like it's gonna be her and i right now. I don't know what ever happened to that Joshy boy...and it's true that tony will always be there. It's just unsettling to think of who doesn't care enough to be there anymore. But the more i think about it, and the more i talk to my friends about it, and the more dw talks about that note...i don't even really care that tom will be in maryland most of the summer and not caring about kim and i....he doesn't have anything to offer me anymore. so whatever.

It just feels better to get that kind of stuff down...and let it go. So..tylerfest friday at 6pm huh? that sounds like a good time...
<3 kati

Some things should stay safely stashed away....

2004-04-19T05:54:51Z

so the blood brothers have the most amazing lyrics. i cannot wait to see them again....

"Why can't we let our mouths devour each other?
Why can't we turn those miles into inches,
letters into breath, years into seconds?
(We always said we'd return to the candy coated jungle.)
we always said that we would return
to see what kind of orchird our heart seeds grew.
I know where the canaries go.
I know where the crows go.
So pick up the fucking phone.
I sent you a letter just the other day my friend, It said
"tonight my body is crucified across the carcus that our love grew.
Tonight black feathers float from the sky like it's raining lies.
Tonight my lungs are hanging from a telephone wire,
choking on the broken digits of a dial tone.
(Tonight telephone booths and trucks gawk
as my ribcage snaps and snarls like a venus fly trap.)
Where did our hearts go?
Where did our hearts go?
Where did the crows go?
Our mouths are limp mouths.
We said we'd return for our petrified hearts
put our name to the parchment made a pact in the dark.
Guaze gagged beaks may pump
and beat but sealed inside are secrets screaming to speak,
(So open up your chest and let the birds free.
So meet me under the deserted desert tree.
We'll eat sand crumpets and drink cactus tea,
well pretend this dirt is sea.)
We ate the white from the wedding,
ate the sheets from the bedding,
ate the smiles off our children,
ate the leather off our birth skin.
Have we wasted our whole lives
sucking candy coated bullets from the chemical gun?
Every car that passes on this crooked highway bears your face on it's grill.
Every headlight casts your shadow onto my open hear vigil.
I know where the canaries go.
I know where the crows go.
They go into fucking skeletons."

goodnite. <3

the rain is here and you my dear are still my friend....

2004-04-14T16:28:36Z

why won't the rain ever end? i want someone to dive into puddles with me. who's in? (i'm not even kidding). <3

baby it, kati, baby it.

2004-04-13T05:07:01Z

i was gonna post a picture of my mouth here because i am pierced. but i am computer illiterate. i expect this to magically change by tomorrow, midday. <3 kati in the meantime, ponder this: dave weeks says that there is a map to the promised land located on the back of my head. i sure wish i could see back there.

belly shirts, bears, fetish boxes, and muffinfilms=<3

2004-04-12T06:00:11Z

"do you like...bran muffins?"

i'm bummed out that i had zero easter break, but what can you do? i loved driving around nj though, it always brings back odd memories and makes new ones.

doylestown was interesting and weird and parallel universe (i.e. the trumpet in the parking lot, kim's amazing park job, age being the butch one yet again, and horrible horrible text messages). but it was all worth it in the end to make sure i still have there what i left there. kim's gonna come here for tylerfest too which will be fun, i think. i'm looking forward to it atleast.

tonite's been a blast. i started off in a bad mood but i <3 <3 <3 my friends here. i love that i called collin and bothered him. i love that my drawings sucked and i'm partially okay with them. i love the look liz gave me when i showed her one of them after destroying it with a huge ugly cube-like thing. i liked seeing joe's ear with a paintbrush through it. i liked being mk's sidekick, even though she says i'm not. And her stories of danger at hardcore shows amaze me! haha...i love listening to dashboard and singing along. N135 is the bestest room ever. i love melissa not being able to exit her room due to her jammies. i loved seeing dw's secret drawing...my poor poor teddy bear..haha....

and now, it's time for some sleep. <3

for good or bad i love them all.

2004-04-07T23:26:07Z

today i called my dad and told him to collect bones and dead animals for me. check.

i think my anxieties of going home are dissapaiting. i'm more comfortable with the idea of "home," for a long term. and i'm crazy excited to go home this weekend. i'm so envious of everyone that is already home...i just need to get out of here for a few hours....

maybe it's because tyler school of art is consuming my artwork and not giving it back. unfair.but i do get to pick my housing tomorrow, and if i'm not in a room with melissa next to dw and aaron and diagonally across from laura...i will be angry!

and i'm out.

i'm doing this for you.

2004-04-05T06:03:38Z

tonite nicole said that we only have four weeks of school left. so where does that leave me four weeks from now? i can't even imagine what will happen to me. all of my friends scattering to their respective hometowns, losing touch. coming home to foreign faces i haven't seen or heard from in what seems like years. and acting like it should all be the same as it used to be. and then there are the few that will somehow slip into both lives, the new and the old, and i think they're what will save me this summer on the streets of doylestown where i find myself all too often. hopefully i'll get to go visit my friends' hometowns and see how they do it there. and hopefully some of them will care enough to visit me.

i think i'm waiting for someone to care enough...to really care and really mean it and not be so easy to give me up. i'm kind of tired of that. so we will see. i'm going to sleep.

<3 kati.

3_parts_heart @ 2004-03-31T22:47:00

2004-04-01T03:50:47Z

this week gives me high anxiety
weeks gives me beads from michaels
i don't know any michaels but i do know a collin
and a collin is hanging out with me this weekend
and i can't wait for this week to end.

i'm so not witty.
<3 <3 <3 kati.

3_parts_heart @ 2004-03-25T16:50:00

2004-03-25T21:56:06Z

so today melissa and i went to michaels and i got some more beads with letters on them. i think i'm going to make a bajillion necklaces saying a variety of things, people's names, phrases, words, whatever. i just think it could be fun. maybe i'll make a business out of it. if you want one you should tell me. i think i'll charge like 75 cents per necklace unless i "owe you" and then you'll just feel super lucky because you got one. but i think that's what i'll do when i don't want to be productive in a real life kind of way.

today i finished my woodshop project with the help of the amazing dw. i was really happy when i put it all together. it was kind of startling the way i had to bring it into that classroom, but otherwise i'm really happy about it. i'm just happy it's done because i'm so so so sick of woodshop. 3d this semester is not my cup of tea....

so home this weekend for time with friends, my dad, and my cat....and christopher of course haha... <3 kati

you too could write an "ode to kati"

2004-03-21T07:18:30Z

"There once was a girl named kati
Who is the epitome of the gliterati
she's an inspiring girl
and an absolute pearl
Only she's not allowed at my house cause my mom's insane"
-Alyssa

i think, like it would be cool for david weeks to have pictures of himself, i should get poems about...myself. GO!

you get the car i'll get the night off you'll get the chance to take the world apart...

2004-03-17T23:56:07Z

even though i'm a strong member in the anti-snow movement, i can see it melting off. i can't wait for green grass again. i think it's unfair that i have to feel like it is 2 months ago now. unfair.

i'm so excited about time passing. we've been reading einstein's dreams for 2d and it makes me think about my perception of time passing and how before..up until a few months ago i really wasn't all about change. i didn't want to lose my past. but there have been a few really important people in my life that i've only gained from change. there ar a few people that i could only still be friends with now due to the fact that we were willing to change...to move on. and so i guess now i'm ready for whatever is coming in my direction, which is oddly optimistic for me.

choosing classes for next semester today was so exciting too, i felt like it was christmas. and santa was all, "okay kati, now pick whatever you want to do because you think it will be fun and rewarding and you can spend next fall working hard and improving yourself as a person and an artist!" haha...well i guess it wasn't exactly like that since grillo is in no way like santa, unless you're someone like me who is kind of afraid of santa...

the end. <3 kati.

WHERE IS THE GUM?

2004-03-10T05:34:48Z

today i lost my gum. i don't really want to talk about it.

what i do wanna talk about is how kimberly rhonda is the best friend a girl could have.
and fred's the best big brother type figure i could have too.

when someone starts yelling "make her stop laughing! it's so annoying" you know you're loved.
what a good night.
<3